WEBVTT 00:00:15.080 --> 00:00:18.835 SERGEY ARTSYBASHEV ALEXANDRE BELYAVSKY UOZAS BUDRAITIS VICTOR PAVLOV 00:00:19.000 --> 00:00:23.039 MIKHAIL VLADIMIROV IVAN OKHLOBYSTIN VLADIMIR SHAINSKY SERGEY GABRIELYAN OLEG PASHCHENKO 00:00:29.320 --> 00:00:33.075 IN ROMAN KACHANOQV FILM 00:00:39.360 --> 00:00:41.351 Patient, did you bring the money? 00:00:45.240 --> 00:00:47.038 What do you need all that haloperidol for? 00:00:48.800 --> 00:00:51.360 I'll take it and they'll throw me in the psych ward. 00:00:53.000 --> 00:00:53.990 Why would you do that? 00:00:54.520 --> 00:00:56.477 Joining the army isn't exactly my idea of fun. 00:00:57.080 --> 00:01:00.555 DEMOBBED 00:01:02.960 --> 00:01:06.078 It was a rough year — taxes, disasters... 00:01:06.280 --> 00:01:09.272 prostitution, gangs, and a serious draft shortage. 00:01:09.640 --> 00:01:12.758 Our recruitment officer took matters into his own hands. 00:01:13.360 --> 00:01:16.637 He rounded up every loafer, idiot, and disabled guy in town. 00:01:17.000 --> 00:01:20.072 He even sent the deaf to guard a post called Mountain Adder. 00:01:20.200 --> 00:01:21.520 Years went by, 00:01:21.640 --> 00:01:23.631 and they're still on duty—guarding who knows what. 00:01:24.320 --> 00:01:26.596 There's such a thing as "duty." 00:01:26.760 --> 00:01:29.149 Doesn't matter. I'm not swearing any oath. 00:01:29.640 --> 00:01:31.597 Kid, you're young and dumb. 00:01:33.960 --> 00:01:37.032 You don't take the oath—the oath takes you. 00:01:38.360 --> 00:01:42.149 Warrant officer, write that down. That's one for the ages. 00:01:43.200 --> 00:01:46.033 MUSIC BY PAVEL MOLCHANOV 00:01:52.560 --> 00:01:55.837 Mom, I don't want to be a soldier. I'm scared. 00:01:57.560 --> 00:01:59.358 We need to call Uncle Viktor. 00:01:59.440 --> 00:02:02.273 He's a livestock expert. He'll know how to dodge the draft. 00:02:02.720 --> 00:02:05.599 RECORDING DIRECTOR VLADISLAV TARASOV 00:02:06.360 --> 00:02:09.751 Living outside the army is like sex with a condom. 00:02:11.000 --> 00:02:13.560 All motion—no feeling. 00:02:14.640 --> 00:02:17.473 EDITOR ALBINA ANTIPENKO 00:02:24.360 --> 00:02:27.000 You just torched our entire workplace! 00:02:27.600 --> 00:02:30.069 Sorry, I didn't mean to. 00:02:33.080 --> 00:02:35.720 It was an experiment. I had a rationalization idea. 00:02:35.920 --> 00:02:38.719 You couldn't at least spare the payroll records? 00:02:39.160 --> 00:02:41.800 - Why? - We were getting paid today! 00:02:42.240 --> 00:02:44.834 Totally slipped my mind. 00:02:45.040 --> 00:02:48.192 Well, keep it in mind—if you skip the draft, 00:02:48.640 --> 00:02:51.234 you'll end up in jail. 00:02:54.760 --> 00:02:57.400 Everything about a man must be beautiful— 00:02:57.560 --> 00:03:00.757 epaulettes, cap badges... even his underwear. 00:03:02.040 --> 00:03:04.554 Otherwise, you're not a man. Just a mammal. 00:03:10.080 --> 00:03:15.758 ...you'll greatly extend the lifespan of your carburetor and piston rings. 00:03:19.120 --> 00:03:22.112 Zinaida, get out of here. 00:03:25.520 --> 00:03:28.911 Grab your grade book and follow me to the office. 00:03:34.080 --> 00:03:37.072 You're old enough now—it's time for the army. 00:03:38.480 --> 00:03:42.599 People are different: some defend the Motherland... 00:03:42.800 --> 00:03:45.599 ...others hit on their teachers' wives. 00:03:46.920 --> 00:03:49.275 Both types end up in uniform. 00:03:49.400 --> 00:03:52.199 The first ones serve. The second—haven't yet. 00:03:57.320 --> 00:04:01.951 Hey, Cheburashka With No Friends, I've been popping all that haloperidol... 00:04:02.280 --> 00:04:05.033 ...and now the army's starting to look kinda nice. 00:04:05.120 --> 00:04:08.317 I don't know what to do, Cheburashka With No Friends. 00:04:09.160 --> 00:04:12.471 COMPUTER ANIMATION ANTON MOLOK GEORGY KULIKOV 00:04:13.760 --> 00:04:17.151 Nature's not a temple. Not a workshop either. 00:04:18.960 --> 00:04:21.474 Nature is a live-fire range. 00:04:25.280 --> 00:04:27.078 - We have beliefs. - What kind of beliefs? 00:04:27.200 --> 00:04:31.239 We believe in our god Govindah. He forbids us from shooting people. 00:04:32.560 --> 00:04:35.837 That's fine. You're all cleared for duty. 00:04:35.960 --> 00:04:40.079 And your Govindah's all-purpose. Also, you didn't need a haircut. 00:04:41.680 --> 00:04:42.909 Plus, you've got stamina. 00:04:43.040 --> 00:04:45.759 Four hours of straight-up chanting? Not everyone can do that. 00:04:46.920 --> 00:04:48.877 You'll be assigned to the chemical corps. 00:04:49.080 --> 00:04:52.471 ADMINISTRATOR SERGEY KHOTIMSKY 00:05:03.000 --> 00:05:05.196 What's the matter, can't sleep? 00:05:10.160 --> 00:05:13.790 Fly high, Russian eagle. Me and Cheburashka... 00:05:14.240 --> 00:05:16.436 ...With No Friends want to be gunners. 00:05:17.680 --> 00:05:19.159 Go for it! 00:05:19.920 --> 00:05:22.196 EXECUTIVE PRODUCER VICTOR ALISOV 00:05:31.040 --> 00:05:35.591 Being a soldier isn't a job. It's a lifestyle choice. 00:05:36.200 --> 00:05:39.511 PRODUCERS SERGEY KHOTIMSKY MAXIM GARANIN SERGEY ALEKSEYEV 00:05:39.800 --> 00:05:42.713 ...my life felt like a stacked deck. 00:05:43.080 --> 00:05:46.471 I was fed up with the world, and the world wasn't too fond of me either. 00:05:47.240 --> 00:05:48.719 I had to make a choice. 00:05:49.080 --> 00:05:51.833 No smoking in monasteries. No drinking in prison. 00:05:52.120 --> 00:05:53.599 That left the army. 00:05:54.280 --> 00:05:57.432 It seemed like the perfect escape—from the world, and from myself. 00:05:57.640 --> 00:05:59.950 National or El Gaucho today? 00:06:01.840 --> 00:06:03.638 Nah, we're hitting the draft office. 00:06:03.840 --> 00:06:06.195 COORDINATOR FAINA BALK 00:06:06.560 --> 00:06:09.074 We'll have to cut off your index finger. 00:06:09.360 --> 00:06:13.479 You won't be able to fire a weapon. I'd suggest a circular saw. 00:06:13.680 --> 00:06:15.239 Or wire cutters, if you're doing it at home. 00:06:15.360 --> 00:06:17.556 Uncle Victor, how am I supposed to get married without a finger? 00:06:17.920 --> 00:06:20.514 And what exactly were you gonna do with that finger? 00:06:20.800 --> 00:06:22.757 I don't know yet. I'm still pretty green. 00:06:23.360 --> 00:06:28.389 Then you should pee your pants—or as the doctors say, develop enuresis. 00:06:29.400 --> 00:06:32.870 Anyone with enuresis gets exempted from service. 00:06:33.560 --> 00:06:35.437 I don't want to wet myself. 00:06:38.440 --> 00:06:42.149 Besides, my grandma taught me to pee at 4 a.m. sharp. 00:06:42.520 --> 00:06:45.911 She was a dairymaid. Morning milking started at five. 00:06:46.280 --> 00:06:48.794 Well, four's perfect timing. 00:06:49.720 --> 00:06:51.199 Duty first, comfort second. 00:06:52.280 --> 00:06:55.238 Either you wet yourself, or we take the finger. 00:06:55.840 --> 00:06:59.720 Be strong, son—just like your dad, who went MIA. 00:07:04.960 --> 00:07:08.840 - Soldier, are you really pissing right now? - Yes, sir. 00:07:09.440 --> 00:07:13.229 Doesn't matter, soldier. It's the environment these days. 00:07:13.520 --> 00:07:17.798 Everyone wets themselves these days. Me too. 00:07:19.440 --> 00:07:22.319 Even the Commander-in-Chief does, sometimes—depends on the situation. 00:07:22.680 --> 00:07:26.389 Our duty to the Motherland is what matters most. 00:07:26.760 --> 00:07:30.719 I'm assigning you to the airborne troops. 00:07:31.640 --> 00:07:34.632 You'll be shitting your pants there too. 00:07:35.480 --> 00:07:39.838 Now get to the draft station. Ciao, Pinocchios. 00:07:42.360 --> 00:07:45.193 Send me letters—general delivery. 00:07:45.480 --> 00:07:50.919 "I am Sebastian Pereira, the blackwood trader." Just kidding. 00:07:51.600 --> 00:07:54.399 SCRIPTWRITERS IVAN OKHLOBYSTIN ROMAN KACHANOV 00:08:09.760 --> 00:08:13.310 I don't remember where or when they dropped us off. 00:08:13.600 --> 00:08:16.035 I just remember I felt awful. 00:08:16.480 --> 00:08:20.599 Unlike the others, I went into the army for moral reasons. 00:08:25.600 --> 00:08:29.230 DIRECTOR ROMAN KACHANOV 00:08:35.560 --> 00:08:39.599 Hey guys, where do I sign up for the marines? 00:08:40.040 --> 00:08:43.032 No way I'm ending up in a construction battalion. 00:08:43.320 --> 00:08:45.914 I don't do physical labor for free. 00:08:46.440 --> 00:08:48.238 Aren't you faking something? 00:08:48.440 --> 00:08:52.479 Please, why else would I come here? 00:08:52.920 --> 00:08:59.269 My advice? Smash a bottle and swallow the pieces. 00:09:04.000 --> 00:09:09.074 Me, I'm joining the army to toughen up and get in shape. 00:09:10.640 --> 00:09:11.960 You're full of it. 00:09:12.240 --> 00:09:15.039 Here, take this. Cures wild imagination. 00:09:23.560 --> 00:09:25.915 Wait for the officer on duty. Maybe he'll let you out. 00:09:26.280 --> 00:09:30.797 Look, moron, I've told you—I already served! 00:09:31.080 --> 00:09:33.515 I'm just dropping off my nephew at the draft office. 00:09:33.800 --> 00:09:36.394 He's in there, soaked head to toe. 00:09:37.160 --> 00:09:40.630 Check for yourself! I've got to go milk the cows. 00:09:41.120 --> 00:09:43.953 My name's Viktor Bashmakov! What don't you get? 00:09:44.320 --> 00:09:46.516 Wait for the officer on duty. Maybe he'll let you out. 00:09:47.440 --> 00:09:48.430 Son of a... 00:09:53.720 --> 00:09:56.872 Smoke all you want, guys. 00:10:01.640 --> 00:10:05.110 Cheburashka With No Friends has hit rock bottom. 00:10:05.640 --> 00:10:10.316 Marina, wait for me. I'll be back, alright? 00:10:14.440 --> 00:10:17.751 No, Marina, you're not going to his birthday party. 00:10:18.840 --> 00:10:21.593 Or hers either. 00:10:24.040 --> 00:10:26.395 Who's coughing over there? 00:10:28.080 --> 00:10:30.196 Say hi to your grandpa for me. 00:10:30.480 --> 00:10:33.393 Why are you wheezing? Got a cold? 00:10:38.320 --> 00:10:40.118 I wrote you a letter. 00:10:41.200 --> 00:10:44.192 When I get to my unit, I'll get an envelope and mail it. 00:10:44.560 --> 00:10:47.074 Send me some baranki and cassette tapes... 00:10:47.440 --> 00:10:51.798 Hey man, I need to make a call. My sister's giving birth. 00:10:53.200 --> 00:10:57.637 Then they gave us a show: a reserve general, medals and all. 00:10:59.120 --> 00:11:03.717 Boys! Bullets hit by chance, but bayonets always do the job! 00:11:04.080 --> 00:11:07.118 Cut the speech, old man. Just bring the drinks. 00:11:07.640 --> 00:11:09.836 You got it. 00:11:09.960 --> 00:11:14.830 This is the only place my old lady can't disgrace me—a true guardsman. 00:11:17.040 --> 00:11:19.714 Maybe don't, huh? Last time got ugly... 00:11:20.000 --> 00:11:24.437 Silence! I rammed my first destroyer when your marshal... 00:11:24.720 --> 00:11:27.155 ...was still scrubbing toilets under my command! 00:11:27.440 --> 00:11:30.910 For one bottle of vodka... 00:11:32.000 --> 00:11:35.152 ...I handed over eight tanks—came out without a scratch. 00:11:37.440 --> 00:11:39.590 To Belomorkanal, boys! 00:11:40.440 --> 00:11:43.034 To the Motherland! To Victory Day! 00:11:44.600 --> 00:11:46.955 Drink up, boys! 00:11:48.680 --> 00:11:51.035 The loyal boys followed the order. 00:11:52.840 --> 00:11:54.478 He's a real man. 00:11:54.680 --> 00:11:58.310 That kind of old man deserves a statue at every train station. 00:11:58.680 --> 00:12:01.752 He shouldn't be tied up—or worse, dragged off to the drunk tank. 00:12:01.960 --> 00:12:04.713 - To the old man! - To the hero! 00:12:16.800 --> 00:12:20.430 Why do I have to clean up after that psycho? 00:12:20.720 --> 00:12:23.633 It's not my fault I ended up sitting next to him. 00:12:31.720 --> 00:12:35.270 That guy's from the Security Service—Special Department. 00:12:38.360 --> 00:12:42.149 They called in everyone at the draft station one by one. 00:12:42.680 --> 00:12:47.038 Most of them came back looking dazed—that's what got me suspicious. 00:12:47.560 --> 00:12:49.039 He threatened me. 00:12:57.120 --> 00:12:59.634 He promised to pay—never did. 00:13:10.080 --> 00:13:11.878 Real snake, that guy. 00:13:12.960 --> 00:13:16.430 - What did he ask you? - I didn't get a word of it. 00:13:25.880 --> 00:13:28.793 You're in deep trouble, rookie. 00:13:29.320 --> 00:13:30.799 Is anyone not in deep trouble? 00:13:31.080 --> 00:13:33.276 Your trouble's not just deep—it's bottomless. 00:13:33.960 --> 00:13:36.315 - Worse than before? - Way worse than before. 00:13:36.520 --> 00:13:38.557 - That's horrifying. - Sure is. 00:13:39.080 --> 00:13:40.559 What do we do now? 00:13:41.800 --> 00:13:46.158 We help the proper authorities identify internal threats in the army. 00:13:46.920 --> 00:13:49.355 - I know for sure there's one. - Swear it! 00:13:49.640 --> 00:13:53.235 Swear to God! The duty officer's got lethal gas! 00:13:55.680 --> 00:13:58.752 Report! What kind of gas? Any markings? 00:13:59.520 --> 00:14:04.037 Deadly stuff. Ingredients: smoked sausage... 00:14:04.640 --> 00:14:06.836 ...processed cheese and flat soda... 00:14:07.600 --> 00:14:11.070 ...all way past expiration. After he uses the bathroom, 00:14:11.360 --> 00:14:14.512 no one can go in there for thirty minutes. 00:14:22.040 --> 00:14:26.557 Keep tabs on the gas. I'll be in touch. You're dismissed. 00:14:30.040 --> 00:14:31.360 Next! 00:14:32.200 --> 00:14:37.991 I called the next guy... and popped a pill. 00:14:54.600 --> 00:14:57.911 Four days later someone poured cold water on me 00:14:58.200 --> 00:15:01.511 and dragged me to the recruitment chief. 00:15:04.320 --> 00:15:07.711 Young man, are you here to serve? 00:15:08.560 --> 00:15:11.632 Because it looks like you're on vacation. 00:15:11.760 --> 00:15:14.752 I've sent off three groups already and you're still here. 00:15:15.360 --> 00:15:18.478 ~The whole station reeks because of you. - Just give the word! 00:15:18.920 --> 00:15:21.673 Send me as a sniper to a combat zone! 00:15:23.240 --> 00:15:26.392 I've got just the assignment—for you and your buddy. 00:15:27.080 --> 00:15:29.196 That crushed me. 00:15:30.280 --> 00:15:32.794 What buddy? The guy with the mustache? 00:15:33.280 --> 00:15:36.519 If only you knew my friends... I owed them everything. 00:15:38.640 --> 00:15:41.553 But they insisted I take the money— 00:15:41.760 --> 00:15:43.637 literally stuffed the cash into my hands. 00:15:43.920 --> 00:15:46.514 They were brothers—Ulugbek and Maksud Aliev. 00:15:46.720 --> 00:15:48.870 They owned a place in Moscow called Begonia Snack Bar, 00:15:49.080 --> 00:15:51.594 and had just sold their one-year-old BMW. 00:15:51.800 --> 00:15:54.952 I slipped up and told Maksud I could invest it for him— 00:15:55.320 --> 00:15:58.153 high interest, safe deal. 00:15:58.520 --> 00:16:01.672 I said, "Maksud, your brains and guts amaze me. 00:16:02.200 --> 00:16:05.909 Money just sticks to your hands." He didn't argue. 00:16:06.840 --> 00:16:11.118 He said he was in the khachapuri, jacket, and Sony electronics business— 00:16:11.480 --> 00:16:13.198 and that he was a stand-up guy. 00:16:13.640 --> 00:16:17.554 I told him I knew someone close to a minister, 00:16:17.920 --> 00:16:20.355 and that minister hooked me up with a banker— 00:16:20.640 --> 00:16:22.916 who offered a killer deal: 00:16:23.360 --> 00:16:27.797 Invest 30 grand, get 40 back in a month. 00:16:29.520 --> 00:16:34.754 I told the banker I had a good friend who had a relative— 00:16:35.280 --> 00:16:39.069 and if he wasn't too busy, I'd bring him the offer. 00:16:40.160 --> 00:16:42.993 Maksud started hammering the calculator and ran to Ulugbek. 00:16:43.600 --> 00:16:46.911 They were so hyped, they started arguing with each other. 00:16:47.360 --> 00:16:48.998 And just like that—I had the cash. 00:16:49.440 --> 00:16:52.671 That same day I couldn't stop winning—royal flush after royal flush. 00:16:52.920 --> 00:16:57.756 Then I hit a losing streak. Lost everything. 00:16:59.480 --> 00:17:03.758 I was in a battle where I might go blind before sunrise. 00:17:06.960 --> 00:17:09.236 Back at the depot, I asked the colonel: 00:17:09.520 --> 00:17:11.955 Who do you mean? The guy with the mustache? 00:17:12.320 --> 00:17:15.153 Your brilliant and extremely diligent friend. 00:17:18.360 --> 00:17:20.636 You can't do this to me... I'm not going with him! 00:17:21.480 --> 00:17:23.039 He's got stomach issues! 00:17:23.320 --> 00:17:26.790 Don't lie—I once swallowed a bearing as a kid. 00:17:27.400 --> 00:17:28.720 And he's an idiot. 00:17:33.440 --> 00:17:35.158 Register him together with that fool. 00:17:35.520 --> 00:17:37.750 I didn't even know that guy's name yet. 00:17:37.960 --> 00:17:40.952 Write down "Melon." Matches his melon-shaped face. 00:17:49.400 --> 00:17:51.437 Hey, Melon, what's your real name? 00:18:01.600 --> 00:18:04.194 My name is Anatoly V. Pistimeyev. 00:18:06.040 --> 00:18:09.431 I'm a level-four machinist. 00:18:12.040 --> 00:18:14.156 Why didn't you give your name to the officer? 00:18:16.200 --> 00:18:17.918 Not my job. 00:18:18.200 --> 00:18:21.158 Someone else lost my papers—they should find them. 00:18:24.640 --> 00:18:27.951 By evening, Anatoly's file turned up at the medical office. 00:18:28.160 --> 00:18:30.436 Later, a recruiter came for us. 00:18:31.360 --> 00:18:35.399 Recruits! You must understand the depth of our despair. 00:18:36.720 --> 00:18:38.199 Hey, are we getting rifles or what? 00:18:40.000 --> 00:18:42.276 Three hundred and thirty-five. 00:18:55.080 --> 00:18:56.559 Some of us are still sober. 00:18:57.560 --> 00:18:58.789 And there are women. 00:18:59.560 --> 00:19:00.959 Without mustaches. 00:19:01.880 --> 00:19:03.518 Got any money, guys? 00:19:04.200 --> 00:19:06.714 The warrant officer begged for cash the whole way. 00:19:07.160 --> 00:19:09.993 He said we needed to buy the commander a small gift. 00:19:10.760 --> 00:19:12.876 Dude, I've got nothing. 00:19:13.800 --> 00:19:16.110 Only brought enough for food. 00:19:16.960 --> 00:19:20.271 We need a souvenir for the general—like drawing compasses. 00:19:21.120 --> 00:19:22.997 Your trial is over, soldier. 00:19:25.680 --> 00:19:28.274 My brothers-in-arms call me Vladislav. You can call me Viadik. 00:19:29.360 --> 00:19:30.759 I sold my dad's microscope. 00:19:31.040 --> 00:19:32.838 What, he used it to look at germs? 00:19:34.040 --> 00:19:37.590 There's a place down this road—great selection of compasses. 00:19:38.200 --> 00:19:39.190 Let's go. 00:19:40.840 --> 00:19:46.438 Ten centuries ago, I was a noble knight. 00:19:46.880 --> 00:19:50.999 But dumb faces and heavy armor held me back. 00:20:00.200 --> 00:20:01.759 What would you like to eat? 00:20:02.360 --> 00:20:05.159 A big bowl of Olivier, please. 00:20:06.960 --> 00:20:09.236 Back in our canteen, they always gave us way too much salad. 00:20:10.080 --> 00:20:12.117 One time I ate so much, I passed out. 00:20:13.840 --> 00:20:15.274 My boss had to carry me home. 00:20:15.600 --> 00:20:19.878 That's disgusting. I'll have meat, and a whiskey soda with ice. 00:20:22.400 --> 00:20:25.074 Trois bouteilles de vodka, s'il vous plaît. 00:20:26.000 --> 00:20:26.910 Barbecue, please. 00:21:05.560 --> 00:21:07.437 Mademoiselle, you're stunning. 00:21:09.880 --> 00:21:11.200 Like Edith Piaf? 00:21:13.640 --> 00:21:14.960 Of course. 00:21:30.840 --> 00:21:33.354 May I touch your waist? 00:21:35.280 --> 00:21:37.317 Go ahead, though my waist is higher than your hand. 00:21:37.680 --> 00:21:39.876 Should that stop our feelings? 00:21:40.720 --> 00:21:44.554 No—but that man in the tie at the third table should. 00:21:45.320 --> 00:21:46.469 Why? 00:21:47.160 --> 00:21:49.913 That's my husband, Grigory Toporov. 00:21:50.280 --> 00:21:53.671 He came second in the European Hammer Throw Championship. 00:21:55.640 --> 00:21:56.710 What's your name? 00:21:58.120 --> 00:22:01.909 Just call me Elvis Presley. I write songs. 00:22:32.280 --> 00:22:33.759 Damn it! 00:23:04.360 --> 00:23:06.954 Anyone could've guessed how that dinner would end... 00:23:07.400 --> 00:23:09.277 ...with the patrol showing up. 00:23:09.880 --> 00:23:11.996 Who? Bastards! 00:23:13.240 --> 00:23:14.389 Soldiers! 00:23:15.240 --> 00:23:17.629 I don't mind you roughing up that moron— 00:23:18.640 --> 00:23:20.995 but he's taking me and my friends to the army, 00:23:21.840 --> 00:23:24.434 where we've got a heroic mission ahead. If you arrest him, 00:23:25.040 --> 00:23:30.274 we might disappear, change our names, and scatter like rats. 00:23:31.680 --> 00:23:33.398 It's your call. 00:23:38.560 --> 00:23:40.039 The army needs soldiers. 00:23:40.480 --> 00:23:42.869 An army without soldiers is just a corrupt institution. 00:23:44.440 --> 00:23:46.875 I'm solving this. 00:23:52.200 --> 00:23:54.555 Showing the quick wit every soldier should have... 00:23:54.920 --> 00:23:58.879 ...the major poured vodka into two glasses—one for the warrant officer... 00:23:59.560 --> 00:24:01.358 ...and one for himself. 00:24:04.800 --> 00:24:07.679 The warrant drank—and passed out like a sack of potatoes. 00:24:28.360 --> 00:24:31.751 He left all the documents behind for us to sort out ourselves. 00:24:32.360 --> 00:24:35.432 Turned out, we were headed to a long-numbered unit... 00:24:35.800 --> 00:24:38.360 ...to serve in the Strategic Missile Forces. 00:24:38.720 --> 00:24:42.350 "M/V Richard Sorge." Strategic Missile Forces. 00:24:42.720 --> 00:24:45.473 Do you get it, Melon? They're putting you near nukes. 00:24:45.840 --> 00:24:47.638 - That's what I'm talkin' about! - I'd set off a real big one! 00:24:48.000 --> 00:24:50.514 Then out of nowhere, some drunk woman showed up... 00:24:51.440 --> 00:24:53.795 Hey boys, want some paid love? 00:24:54.880 --> 00:24:56.837 She offered us sex for cash. 00:25:01.280 --> 00:25:03.396 I'm chewing your face off! 00:25:13.400 --> 00:25:16.631 Meanwhile, the warrant officer came to and tried to escape. 00:25:20.360 --> 00:25:21.350 I need to pee. 00:25:21.800 --> 00:25:26.954 Warrant, you were made in a rush. Your whole life's a safe-sex poster. 00:25:28.120 --> 00:25:29.190 Go behind that bush. 00:25:29.880 --> 00:25:33.475 Commanders shouldn't be doing their business in the bushes. 00:25:34.800 --> 00:25:38.759 Let's just take him to the station. No need to make him suffer—let the guy pee. 00:25:39.680 --> 00:25:42.194 He walked into a booth... and locked himself in forever. 00:25:43.040 --> 00:25:45.156 – Come on out. You okay? – He's fine. 00:25:45.600 --> 00:25:47.318 We might miss the boat. 00:25:47.600 --> 00:25:50.194 Attention! Officer stepping out! 00:25:54.400 --> 00:25:55.629 All hands on deck! 00:26:04.280 --> 00:26:05.759 Our warrant officer's got no manners. 00:26:06.200 --> 00:26:07.838 A real wild one. 00:26:11.280 --> 00:26:13.476 As I was dragging him by the left leg, I imagined... 00:26:14.080 --> 00:26:18.199 ...the brothers Maksud and Ulugbek 00:26:18.640 --> 00:26:23.191 missing me in my rented apartment. 00:26:35.840 --> 00:26:38.116 Who's this passenger? Him? He's trash! 00:26:38.800 --> 00:26:40.359 Watch your mouth! 00:26:40.960 --> 00:26:45.113 He's a veteran of three conflict zones. Baltic Fleet sailor. 00:26:45.720 --> 00:26:47.677 Took a blast to the head. 00:26:48.120 --> 00:26:50.316 His blood pressure hits 300 every night. 00:26:50.840 --> 00:26:52.877 – For real? – You bet. 00:26:55.960 --> 00:26:57.519 Alright, bring him aboard. 00:26:59.000 --> 00:27:01.833 Don't leave that hero in the hallway—I'm responsible for the carpets. 00:27:11.720 --> 00:27:13.996 The cheerful warrant let one rip from the top bunk. 00:27:14.600 --> 00:27:17.433 Down below, we sat dreaming of future glory. 00:27:22.920 --> 00:27:25.434 You, Melon—you'll be Bomb. 00:27:29.720 --> 00:27:31.119 Why? 00:27:32.120 --> 00:27:33.554 You've got a short fuse. 00:27:35.760 --> 00:27:38.991 You, Vladik—Bayonet. You're skinny. 00:27:42.000 --> 00:27:45.709 And I'll be Bullet—‘cause I never miss. 00:27:49.840 --> 00:27:52.832 If they sent me to a hot zone, I'd earn a medal for bravery. 00:27:54.720 --> 00:27:57.792 And get top priority for housing. 00:27:58.400 --> 00:28:00.198 And other perks, obviously. 00:28:00.960 --> 00:28:04.430 If a shell blew your leg off, they'd give you a wooden one— 00:28:05.120 --> 00:28:08.670 plus a foul-mouthed parrot and a black spot. 00:28:10.760 --> 00:28:12.239 Pirates are out of fashion now. 00:28:13.480 --> 00:28:14.629 What's with all the music? 00:28:15.000 --> 00:28:17.833 A wedding—with a gypsy choir and ballet troupe. 00:28:18.760 --> 00:28:20.239 I love ballet dancers. 00:28:21.920 --> 00:28:26.756 Someone said they're selling drugs through the newspaper kiosks. 00:28:32.160 --> 00:28:34.800 Watch out below! 00:28:36.600 --> 00:28:38.477 Hookers! 00:28:57.240 --> 00:29:00.278 In the morning, we arrived in city "X". 00:29:02.480 --> 00:29:04.437 Recruits, fall in! 00:29:06.480 --> 00:29:08.994 Your sacred duty is to defend the Motherland— 00:29:09.360 --> 00:29:11.954 and maintain personal hygiene instead of zigzagging around. 00:29:13.360 --> 00:29:15.556 To streamline your route, 00:29:16.000 --> 00:29:19.152 we'll board a bus and head to the unit. 00:29:20.440 --> 00:29:22.078 He's a different case entirely. 00:29:22.520 --> 00:29:24.238 The more wine to drown your sorrow, the more sorrow you end up with. 00:29:24.760 --> 00:29:26.319 – Chief! – What? 00:29:26.680 --> 00:29:30.150 You remember biting the general's epaulet yesterday? 00:29:32.120 --> 00:29:34.953 Bite a general? Never happened! 00:29:35.800 --> 00:29:37.199 I don't even bite gypsies! 00:29:37.640 --> 00:29:40.234 Sure, a soldier can let loose sometimes... 00:29:41.280 --> 00:29:44.511 But biting a general—especially his shoulder strap? 00:29:45.600 --> 00:29:47.477 Completely unacceptable. 00:29:48.240 --> 00:29:50.516 We must honor rank and service time. Move out! 00:29:56.840 --> 00:29:58.319 Fall in! 00:30:00.280 --> 00:30:01.998 This is our glorious unit. 00:30:02.920 --> 00:30:04.319 Looks like a pile of rubble. 00:30:05.240 --> 00:30:07.117 That's not rubble, rookie. 00:30:08.000 --> 00:30:10.913 It's where you'll spend the next two years... 00:30:11.280 --> 00:30:13.635 ...in an exciting and unforgettable way. 00:30:13.920 --> 00:30:15.479 Can't wait. 00:30:22.680 --> 00:30:25.274 After handing in our papers at HQ, 00:30:25.720 --> 00:30:28.633 we got a real taste of army life. 00:30:29.560 --> 00:30:31.153 No food here. 00:30:43.560 --> 00:30:45.756 That guy on the "Don't Touch Live Wires" poster... 00:30:46.440 --> 00:30:47.589 to put it simply— 00:30:47.880 --> 00:30:49.359 —he's full of crap. 00:30:50.760 --> 00:30:54.071 The warrant took us to the bathhouse and gave his first pearl of wisdom: 00:30:55.720 --> 00:30:57.996 Only flies get married without a ceremony. 00:32:12.840 --> 00:32:16.959 Then he gave us foot wraps—and showed us how to wrap them. 00:32:17.640 --> 00:32:19.039 That's not it! 00:32:20.680 --> 00:32:21.272 We get it. 00:32:27.880 --> 00:32:31.157 Whoever invented these things should've had their head nailed to the wall. 00:32:31.440 --> 00:32:33.158 I despise them. 00:32:36.320 --> 00:32:39.790 Turns out only Bomb could wrap his footcloths properly. 00:32:40.320 --> 00:32:42.277 Bayonet and I just stuffed ours into our pockets. 00:32:47.200 --> 00:32:49.157 Now you'll sew collar liners into your uniform. 00:32:49.920 --> 00:32:50.990 We don't know how. 00:32:51.200 --> 00:32:55.478 Nobody does. Doesn't matter if you can or want to. 00:32:56.560 --> 00:32:59.632 What matters is: you'll sew the liners into the collars. 00:33:01.520 --> 00:33:05.150 The army isn't just a noble word—it's swift action. That's how we win wars. 00:33:07.040 --> 00:33:11.637 While the enemy's drawing maps—we're redrawing the landscape. 00:33:13.760 --> 00:33:15.080 By hand. 00:33:16.880 --> 00:33:20.919 When the enemy launches an attack, they get lost in new terrain, 00:33:21.600 --> 00:33:24.194 and lose their will to fight. 00:33:25.920 --> 00:33:28.514 That's the trick—that's our strategy. 00:33:29.240 --> 00:33:30.719 I can't take this anymore. I'm losing my mind. 00:33:32.200 --> 00:33:34.794 I'm out. My eye's twitching like crazy. 00:33:37.800 --> 00:33:39.120 I sewed through my finger. 00:33:40.640 --> 00:33:44.190 To give us a better feel for the place, 00:33:45.120 --> 00:33:48.670 the warrant showed us an intercontinental missile silo. 00:33:49.920 --> 00:33:52.230 This, soldiers, is a top-secret facility. 00:33:59.840 --> 00:34:02.275 Bomb immediately stepped in dog shit. 00:34:02.800 --> 00:34:03.949 Can you believe it? 00:34:08.160 --> 00:34:12.836 Sons, this is where our Motherland issues its iron will... 00:34:13.120 --> 00:34:16.476 ...to the rest of the civilized world. 00:34:17.320 --> 00:34:18.640 Let's blow it all up! 00:34:19.080 --> 00:34:23.153 Sure. Wiping out the world? Piece of cake. 00:34:24.800 --> 00:34:25.870 But not yet. 00:34:26.640 --> 00:34:29.393 The warrant took us to the mess hall. Three hundred soldiers sat there— 00:34:29.840 --> 00:34:32.275 all identical, one face—hungry. 00:34:32.880 --> 00:34:34.757 These aren't good for roasting. 00:34:35.120 --> 00:34:37.794 Nah, they'll get overcooked. 00:34:38.160 --> 00:34:39.719 Better stew them. 00:34:40.080 --> 00:34:45.154 Our table neighbors were having an intense debate about our culinary potential. 00:34:50.200 --> 00:34:51.429 That stuff's disgusting. 00:34:52.360 --> 00:34:53.430 I like it. 00:34:59.640 --> 00:35:02.473 I'm scared to imagine being stuck with you... 00:35:03.080 --> 00:35:04.878 on a deserted island during a famine. 00:35:07.480 --> 00:35:09.198 How's it out there? Any girls around? 00:35:10.160 --> 00:35:12.595 So few, it's almost shocking. 00:35:14.000 --> 00:35:15.798 Hey, where's our wild warrant? 00:35:21.280 --> 00:35:23.715 Hey, soldier, how do we get to the snack bar? 00:35:24.320 --> 00:35:26.994 - You guys are fresh meat, huh? - Yep, just arrived. 00:35:27.840 --> 00:35:30.673 Well then, fresh meat—salute me, quick. 00:35:31.680 --> 00:35:34.752 Now roll this barrel over to that guy. 00:35:35.520 --> 00:35:37.875 He's a soldier too. Don't forget to salute. 00:35:38.320 --> 00:35:40.834 As for the snack bar, it's right where you're rolling it. 00:35:41.200 --> 00:35:43.555 - Thanks. - No problem. 00:35:53.560 --> 00:35:56.552 - I don't like this at all. - It might get us busted. 00:35:57.400 --> 00:36:00.153 Getting busted on an empty stomach— that's the worst. 00:36:00.840 --> 00:36:03.434 We seriously need a bite to eat. 00:36:05.160 --> 00:36:09.393 When I joined the army, we ate seven boxes of blini. 00:36:12.000 --> 00:36:13.479 My whole factory came to see me off. 00:36:14.000 --> 00:36:17.152 - Mine was the whole college. - Mine was the whole casino. 00:36:28.240 --> 00:36:29.560 Roll it to the checkpoint. 00:36:37.000 --> 00:36:39.992 I've got a bad feeling. Your bad feelings are worthless. 00:36:40.680 --> 00:36:43.513 We're heading away from the canteen, that's the problem. 00:36:43.880 --> 00:36:45.200 What's the holdup? 00:37:02.200 --> 00:37:04.237 - Who's that guy? - That's Chief Daddy. 00:37:05.160 --> 00:37:06.719 No more questions. Show us the menu. 00:37:07.240 --> 00:37:08.469 I am the menu. 00:37:10.760 --> 00:37:12.159 Poppy rolls, rum cakes... 00:37:13.880 --> 00:37:15.109 ...éclairs... 00:37:15.880 --> 00:37:18.235 ...soda, Prima cigarettes. 00:37:18.680 --> 00:37:20.079 Got any coffee? 00:37:20.520 --> 00:37:21.954 Coffee's for officers only. 00:37:22.240 --> 00:37:24.516 Privates get nervous breakdowns from coffee. 00:37:25.120 --> 00:37:26.349 I'll take everything. 00:37:28.800 --> 00:37:30.029 Here you go! 00:37:30.560 --> 00:37:33.313 Have a seat, warrant. Dig in. 00:37:41.240 --> 00:37:42.958 Time to hit the barracks. 00:37:44.160 --> 00:37:45.594 Will they feed us there? 00:37:46.520 --> 00:37:47.999 Oh, they'll give you everything. 00:37:48.520 --> 00:37:50.238 A SLAP TO THE EAR 00:37:53.640 --> 00:37:55.597 According to good army tradition... 00:37:56.600 --> 00:37:58.876 ...the old-timer gave us a once-over. 00:38:01.680 --> 00:38:04.911 Anyone who's served six months is called a young-timer. 00:38:05.520 --> 00:38:08.034 Young-timers take orders from the middlers. 00:38:08.880 --> 00:38:11.952 Middlers are guys in their third stretch of service. 00:38:12.640 --> 00:38:14.711 Middlers run errands for old-timers who've got six months left. 00:38:14.920 --> 00:38:16.877 Care to explain all that? 00:38:19.800 --> 00:38:20.915 Let me put it simply... 00:38:21.160 --> 00:38:22.798 ...your life is crap now. 00:38:23.720 --> 00:38:26.712 You're nobodies. Any of us can mess you up. 00:38:27.320 --> 00:38:29.675 What does that mean in real life? 00:38:31.080 --> 00:38:34.630 See those nice fellas with senior sergeant Lavrov? 00:38:35.960 --> 00:38:39.555 Our "rules" forbid them from washing their own socks. 00:38:40.320 --> 00:38:43.233 But they love cleanliness. So you'll be washing them with soap. 00:38:45.280 --> 00:38:49.399 Tell those fine lads led by Lavrov... 00:38:50.640 --> 00:38:53.075 ...that we're not interested in laundry. 00:38:53.520 --> 00:38:54.999 We came here to defend the Motherland. 00:38:55.840 --> 00:38:57.399 I'll beat the crap outta you! 00:39:00.560 --> 00:39:02.676 Hey, can you tell me how to get to the infirmary? 00:39:03.120 --> 00:39:04.440 Straight ahead, then right. 00:39:09.000 --> 00:39:10.718 Would you mind walking me there? 00:39:14.840 --> 00:39:16.956 No need to bother — he'll find it himself. 00:39:24.760 --> 00:39:28.549 Inspired by such warm hospitality, we headed to the infirmary. 00:39:42.560 --> 00:39:45.757 The dead don't age. The dead don't grow. 00:39:46.480 --> 00:39:49.711 The dead don't smoke. The dead don't drink. 00:39:50.240 --> 00:39:54.029 The dead don't dance. The dead don't lie. 00:39:54.320 --> 00:39:57.950 The dead don't play. The dead don't sing. 00:39:59.280 --> 00:40:01.715 Well, could be worse. 00:40:04.080 --> 00:40:06.959 Yeah, this is about what I expected. 00:40:09.040 --> 00:40:11.475 I just want a rifle, ASAP. 00:40:12.400 --> 00:40:16.155 A rifle, some grenades, and one anti-personnel mine. 00:40:24.480 --> 00:40:27.154 There are five guys in there. All with chickenpox. 00:40:28.880 --> 00:40:30.518 Hello, intelligent life from beyond! 00:40:32.200 --> 00:40:33.838 They're Tungus, apparently. 00:40:34.040 --> 00:40:35.917 Don't speak a word of Russian. 00:40:36.280 --> 00:40:38.476 Didn't they say Tungus people died out? 00:40:40.000 --> 00:40:41.718 Guess they got sent here as part of some ethnic exchange. 00:40:42.000 --> 00:40:44.913 We got weird transfers at my college too. 00:40:45.200 --> 00:40:47.714 Usually the kind with herpes. 00:40:48.880 --> 00:40:50.279 Every time. 00:41:05.760 --> 00:41:09.515 But that night made up for all the mental trauma. 00:41:10.360 --> 00:41:13.034 Until four in the morning, we played 00:41:13.480 --> 00:41:16.154 "Demobbed Soldier Rides the Train Home." 00:41:18.400 --> 00:41:21.392 Looking forward to reuniting with friends and family, 00:41:21.840 --> 00:41:24.116 Lavrov got nervous and kept saying: 00:41:24.560 --> 00:41:26.756 "Guard! Tea, please." 00:41:41.200 --> 00:41:44.113 Then Bomb swung the bed too hard... 00:41:44.960 --> 00:41:47.839 ...and the sergeant nodded off and fell "off the train." 00:41:49.000 --> 00:41:52.072 He broke a leg and got burned. 00:42:10.120 --> 00:42:14.956 After all that stress, Lavrov was taken to the infirmary with us. 00:42:30.880 --> 00:42:35.238 We became friends with Lavrov. He didn't really have anyone else. 00:42:35.920 --> 00:42:39.629 Listen up, rookies! You here to serve or just bat your lashes? 00:42:40.000 --> 00:42:41.399 To serve, sir! 00:42:42.240 --> 00:42:46.029 Then sing me that song about the girl crying and waiting. 00:42:47.360 --> 00:42:50.512 You! Wave that towel over me— and don't let me catch a cold! 00:42:51.680 --> 00:42:53.432 And you, you little punk... 00:42:55.400 --> 00:42:57.118 Kill flies. Nonstop. 00:42:59.400 --> 00:43:00.720 Listen up! 00:43:01.640 --> 00:43:03.517 Know what joy a rookie has left? 00:43:03.880 --> 00:43:05.029 No idea, sir! 00:43:05.480 --> 00:43:08.791 Every rookie eventually becomes an old-timer. 00:43:09.400 --> 00:43:13.951 Old-timers live in paradise— everybody loves them. 00:43:14.880 --> 00:43:18.919 They become firemen, just to score a free trip to the union sanatorium. 00:43:21.120 --> 00:43:24.431 Big-breasted girls weep for the old-timer who's going home. 00:43:25.520 --> 00:43:28.512 Because he'll never have to serve again. 00:43:29.200 --> 00:43:30.838 That's how we bonded. 00:43:31.600 --> 00:43:37.755 They hang weights on the ears of victims of sci-fi nonsense. 00:43:39.800 --> 00:43:45.671 Don't believe me? Go and hear the nightingale's warble 00:43:46.680 --> 00:43:50.071 for those poor souls hooked on sci-fi dreams. 00:44:19.040 --> 00:44:21.316 Hey rookie! Is chickenpox deadly? 00:44:22.160 --> 00:44:24.037 No, senior sergeant. Not at all. 00:44:24.480 --> 00:44:26.994 Chickenpox isn't deadly, but it spreads like wildfire. 00:44:27.280 --> 00:44:30.193 Anyone infected has to be quarantined in the infirmary. 00:44:31.600 --> 00:44:32.920 "Infirmary," you say? 00:44:34.640 --> 00:44:37.075 Lavrov really liked the word "infirmary." 00:44:37.520 --> 00:44:39.636 Hey, bring me one of those reindeer-herders! 00:44:52.560 --> 00:44:54.915 At first, the reindeer-herder was scared of everything. 00:44:55.200 --> 00:44:57.555 He relaxed once we gave him a Prima cigarette. 00:44:58.560 --> 00:45:02.519 Listen, brother—help me out, and I'll help you. 00:45:04.080 --> 00:45:06.196 We're all brothers. Peace and love! 00:45:08.560 --> 00:45:11.951 People gotta help each other. Right? Right? 00:45:18.440 --> 00:45:21.512 He doesn't get it! Still clueless after a year of service! 00:45:22.200 --> 00:45:25.989 Hey, savage—spit in my mug, will you? 00:45:39.360 --> 00:45:42.671 That calmed Lavrov down, and he let the herder go. 00:45:43.040 --> 00:45:46.556 Feeling hopeful about catching something, he sang a demob song. 00:45:47.080 --> 00:45:48.878 Hey, rookie! Play something! 00:45:53.160 --> 00:45:58.712 Those who demobbed, once the top dogs, leave their cozy bunks behind. 00:46:00.040 --> 00:46:04.796 Now they just wander drunk through town in the merry month of May. 00:46:07.560 --> 00:46:12.430 Now they just wander drunk through town in the merry month of May. 00:46:14.880 --> 00:46:19.556 At the platform, a girl whispers, crying, "Please, don't go..." 00:46:21.760 --> 00:46:24.752 "No way," says the soldier. 00:46:25.360 --> 00:46:30.036 "From now on, girl's shoulders are for young-timers only." 00:46:56.120 --> 00:46:59.192 How the herder figured out he needed to spit in Lavrov's mug... 00:47:00.120 --> 00:47:02.316 Nobody knows. He doesn't speak a word of Russian. 00:47:03.960 --> 00:47:06.713 Though maybe a few words aren't completely foreign to him. 00:47:20.560 --> 00:47:25.396 Bomb, go to the mess hall. Grab leftovers from the dish 00:47:25.920 --> 00:47:28.833 by the wall, smear ‘em all over yourself. 00:47:29.280 --> 00:47:31.556 Take the mess dish and go buy vodka. 00:47:32.000 --> 00:47:35.152 No patrol officer would touch something that nasty. 00:47:55.360 --> 00:47:57.078 Hey, soldier! Come here! 00:47:59.360 --> 00:48:00.509 What do you want? 00:48:02.400 --> 00:48:03.720 Do you love your mommy? 00:48:04.320 --> 00:48:05.958 Yeah, I love my mom. 00:48:06.320 --> 00:48:10.518 And Auntie Tanya, and Olga Krymova— she checks quality at our factory. 00:48:11.840 --> 00:48:12.955 Do you like money? 00:48:13.400 --> 00:48:14.799 Very much. 00:48:16.040 --> 00:48:17.678 Then tell us—where's Gena Bobkov? 00:48:18.680 --> 00:48:20.000 Who's Gena Bobkov? 00:48:20.280 --> 00:48:21.839 You blockhead! 00:48:23.640 --> 00:48:24.869 Where's Gena Bobkov? 00:48:25.640 --> 00:48:26.789 I don't know. 00:48:27.240 --> 00:48:28.310 Then find out! 00:48:29.000 --> 00:48:30.877 We're his brothers. 00:48:32.920 --> 00:48:36.470 But don't tell him that— he might get embarrassed. 00:48:38.360 --> 00:48:39.475 Alright. 00:48:40.000 --> 00:48:41.798 You'll get a little extra... 00:48:43.280 --> 00:48:45.635 ...if you find out where Gena Bobkov is. 00:48:47.440 --> 00:48:49.795 Yeah—find that jackal! 00:48:50.960 --> 00:48:53.076 Okay, I'll do it. 00:48:55.520 --> 00:48:57.636 Bomb figured they were American spies. 00:48:58.160 --> 00:49:00.754 But still promised to ask around about Gena Bobkov. 00:49:01.200 --> 00:49:04.591 He spent the money on a box of eclairs and three bottles of vodka. 00:49:05.200 --> 00:49:06.952 Then dropped by a bookstore. 00:49:12.000 --> 00:49:13.718 Miss! Got "Science and Life"? 00:49:14.800 --> 00:49:16.757 Science—yes. Life—not really. 00:49:18.480 --> 00:49:21.632 Last winter, my husband went fishing— caught a chill. 00:49:22.000 --> 00:49:24.992 Now he's basically a souvenir. Only thing left standing is his mustache. 00:49:25.440 --> 00:49:27.795 If it weren't for you soldiers, I'd probably be in tears. 00:49:28.240 --> 00:49:31.631 Come to the back room, I'll give you a candy. 00:49:34.000 --> 00:49:36.469 No thanks. Just give me "Young Technician" magazine. 00:49:43.760 --> 00:49:45.239 By the second bottle... 00:49:45.600 --> 00:49:48.513 ...I blurted out that my name is Gena Bobkov. 00:49:49.520 --> 00:49:51.477 Yep. I'm that Gena Bobkov. 00:49:56.680 --> 00:49:59.877 Wanting the rest of the money, Lavrov decided to negotiate. 00:50:00.320 --> 00:50:04.598 He had his little brother, Junior Sergeant Lavrov, 00:50:05.040 --> 00:50:08.590 called into the infirmary, along with Corporal Galagura. 00:50:09.520 --> 00:50:13.150 Galagura showed up right away. 00:50:14.640 --> 00:50:16.916 The sergeants kicked us out to hold a private meeting. 00:50:17.680 --> 00:50:20.911 They cleared the room to talk things over. 00:50:31.440 --> 00:50:33.477 Are you an only child? 00:50:35.680 --> 00:50:37.079 Buddy, you gotta run. 00:50:46.800 --> 00:50:48.279 I didn't make it. 00:50:48.640 --> 00:50:50.438 Hey, are you guys nuts? 00:50:52.320 --> 00:50:55.676 The sergeants decided to bring in Farukh Gazimov, the bread-cutter... 00:50:56.440 --> 00:50:59.273 ...and Quartermaster Gera Liberman as translators. 00:50:59.640 --> 00:51:02.553 Liberman was tracked down in the storage room. 00:51:02.920 --> 00:51:05.434 He was high on solvent fumes. 00:51:05.960 --> 00:51:08.474 Gera, you in here? 00:51:09.400 --> 00:51:11.676 I'm here, I'm there... I am... eternity. 00:51:13.720 --> 00:51:16.951 You idiot! Don't you know how to talk to a quartermaster? 00:51:18.520 --> 00:51:22.514 Look, quartermaster! That's not yours — that's free! Swoop in! Bite it! 00:51:24.160 --> 00:51:25.230 Ladies, what'll you drink? 00:51:26.480 --> 00:51:28.118 Guys, please don't do this. 00:51:51.440 --> 00:51:53.317 We've got the goods. You're the buyers. 00:51:53.680 --> 00:51:55.318 So show us the cash! 00:51:56.400 --> 00:51:59.472 Ulugbek screwed up. "We've got money." 00:52:01.800 --> 00:52:03.757 He flashed the cash and lost... 00:52:04.040 --> 00:52:06.156 ...his consciousness — and his front teeth. 00:52:10.640 --> 00:52:11.789 That's that. 00:52:14.000 --> 00:52:16.992 Don't wander around our unit like that again. 00:52:19.280 --> 00:52:22.033 We didn't take their gold crowns. Too picky for that. 00:52:23.840 --> 00:52:26.195 Let's trade this pistol for snacks. 00:52:28.200 --> 00:52:31.192 The ring's stuck — we'll have to cut off the finger. 00:52:32.280 --> 00:52:35.750 But we didn't amputate anything. We used soap. 00:52:39.080 --> 00:52:41.037 If you miss us — drop by anytime. 00:52:41.560 --> 00:52:43.915 Remember — the army is a mother to the worthy, 00:52:44.280 --> 00:52:46.078 and a mother-in-law to the weak. 00:52:48.040 --> 00:52:49.678 So, how much do you owe the civvies? 00:52:51.160 --> 00:52:52.480 Enough to buy a battleship. 00:52:52.840 --> 00:52:54.672 I hope all your civilian creditors show up here? 00:52:55.440 --> 00:52:58.512 - You bet they will. - Recruit, you're a true soldier. 00:53:01.440 --> 00:53:03.954 Thanks to you, we'll be going home in foot-cloths by Dior. 00:53:04.560 --> 00:53:06.517 - Take care, alright? - What's up? 00:53:08.560 --> 00:53:09.959 Where is everyone? 00:53:10.240 --> 00:53:11.389 Even the birds went quiet. 00:53:11.760 --> 00:53:14.195 - Chief's coming! - Everyone to shelter! 00:53:18.560 --> 00:53:22.474 You bastards! I'll rip you apart! Rot in a penal battalion! 00:53:22.920 --> 00:53:24.877 I'll shoot you like mad dogs! 00:53:27.160 --> 00:53:28.389 Who was that? 00:53:28.840 --> 00:53:32.310 Major General Talalayev, our unit's commander. 00:53:33.800 --> 00:53:34.835 Crisis averted. 00:53:39.880 --> 00:53:42.554 Senior Sergeant! Visitors are standing by in full! 00:53:43.080 --> 00:53:46.630 Zero casualties! Spirits high! Awaiting your next command! 00:53:47.240 --> 00:53:50.039 Well done, soldier! You may rest now. 00:53:50.400 --> 00:53:51.879 Thank you, Sergeant! 00:54:02.040 --> 00:54:04.714 A nurse recently joined the infirmary. 00:54:05.160 --> 00:54:08.232 I touched her once — lost all inner peace. She's divine... 00:54:10.360 --> 00:54:13.637 ...red ears, nose full of blackheads... 00:54:13.840 --> 00:54:16.036 ...a butt like an orange rind. 00:54:17.120 --> 00:54:18.440 A real Valkyrie. 00:54:20.320 --> 00:54:22.994 Pull the pin — don't let go of the lever! 00:54:34.200 --> 00:54:36.953 For three days straight, our senior fellows 00:54:37.320 --> 00:54:40.073 continued spending the Aliev brothers' money. Besides weed, 00:54:40.840 --> 00:54:45.391 they stocked up on "essentials" and drew up an army bar menu. 00:54:46.160 --> 00:54:49.551 Most popular were the "Surface-to-Air" cocktails— 00:54:51.040 --> 00:54:53.475 two-thirds beer, one-third vodka. 00:54:54.160 --> 00:54:56.674 And the legendary "SDI-3"— 00:54:57.040 --> 00:55:00.749 one-third vodka, one-third beer, one-third weed infusion. 00:55:00.960 --> 00:55:04.271 Gera Liberman was the official mixologist. 00:55:04.560 --> 00:55:06.676 Didn't take long before he started seeing things. 00:55:22.760 --> 00:55:27.914 I see a UFO over HQ. It's green. 00:55:30.040 --> 00:55:34.238 Green object confirmed. 00:55:37.560 --> 00:55:39.710 WILD BOAR - SAMURAI 00:55:40.800 --> 00:55:44.270 They sent Kopter to a pig farm for his own safety. 00:55:44.720 --> 00:55:47.473 And they sent us too — me, Bayonet, and Bomb — 00:55:48.000 --> 00:55:50.116 for quarantine, before the oath ceremony. 00:55:51.600 --> 00:55:51.873 A pig farm's where they grow pork. 00:55:56.720 --> 00:55:59.951 No way they'll let us near the pigs. They'll send us 00:56:00.240 --> 00:56:02.595 to guard the shooting range — our specialty. 00:56:02.880 --> 00:56:04.917 And entertain the generals, of course. 00:56:06.200 --> 00:56:07.520 So what's the plan? 00:56:08.200 --> 00:56:10.794 Saturday — they bring a pig from the farm, 00:56:11.320 --> 00:56:13.994 and some bigwigs from town with Father-Chief. 00:56:14.440 --> 00:56:15.794 To eat it? 00:56:16.000 --> 00:56:20.039 They'll machine-gun it like Hitler. If they can hit it, that is. 00:56:24.320 --> 00:56:27.392 - What do they feed you here? - Stale crusts and water. 00:56:27.680 --> 00:56:30.752 Comrade Demob, when do we actually get something to eat? 00:56:31.120 --> 00:56:33.316 Never, rookie. Welcome to the army. 00:56:33.680 --> 00:56:36.274 Once we arrived, the first thing we did was look around. 00:56:37.200 --> 00:56:40.033 Cheer up. There's a beautiful Russian tradition of saying goodbye... 00:56:40.600 --> 00:56:45.117 ...people leave fresh food and drinks on the graves of the departed. 00:56:47.400 --> 00:56:48.629 I'm scared of the dead. 00:56:49.000 --> 00:56:50.638 Nonsense! Bullet, you coming? 00:56:51.160 --> 00:56:53.276 Nah, my leg's numb from sitting. 00:56:56.600 --> 00:56:59.752 We really liked it. We were supposed to live in a van. 00:57:00.840 --> 00:57:01.989 I'm hungry. 00:57:03.880 --> 00:57:05.837 People always ask me three things: 00:57:07.080 --> 00:57:12.029 Why I joined the army, how old I am, and why the hair on my chest is dyed. 00:57:13.120 --> 00:57:14.519 Let's start with the last one. 00:57:15.040 --> 00:57:18.920 My chest hair got dyed because I spilled missile fuel on it. 00:57:20.560 --> 00:57:22.915 I'm twenty-nine. Big birthday coming up. 00:57:23.440 --> 00:57:25.078 And I joined the army because 00:57:25.600 --> 00:57:28.353 my wife and mother-in-law tried to have me committed — for my beliefs. 00:57:30.320 --> 00:57:32.516 You see any gophers over there? 00:57:34.640 --> 00:57:37.632 - No, I don't. - Me neither. But there is one. 00:57:40.400 --> 00:57:41.435 Got it. 00:58:10.840 --> 00:58:13.195 My condolences, madam. I know how you feel. 00:58:14.600 --> 00:58:16.750 You've been through this? 00:58:17.440 --> 00:58:20.512 No, but I hope to. I mean — the other way around. You get it? 00:58:22.440 --> 00:58:25.831 I get you. I'm Larisa, 00:58:26.760 --> 00:58:28.558 widow of Pyotr Alexeyevich. 00:58:30.840 --> 00:58:33.593 I'm Vladislav, widower of Zinaida Petrovna. 00:58:34.360 --> 00:58:36.158 Shall we go for a walk, Larisa? 00:58:36.520 --> 00:58:40.036 Take in the sights... and share our sorrow. As much as we can, of course. 00:58:40.400 --> 00:58:41.959 Sure. 00:58:42.480 --> 00:58:43.879 Let it out — as much as we can. 00:58:45.440 --> 00:58:47.238 Such beautiful crypts here. 00:58:52.880 --> 00:58:54.678 They're from the last century — made of cast iron. 00:58:57.360 --> 00:58:59.795 I love cast iron. I love crypts. 00:59:00.720 --> 00:59:03.553 Meanwhile, as Bayonet explored the cemetery, 00:59:04.880 --> 00:59:08.714 Bomb was trying to tame the local stray dogs. 00:59:09.240 --> 00:59:12.631 Bomb was trying to tame the local cemetery dogs. 00:59:18.880 --> 00:59:20.279 Dogs! 00:59:21.200 --> 00:59:23.430 I'll say this right away — I ain't eating dogs. 00:59:25.400 --> 00:59:26.629 I like dogs alive. 00:59:28.680 --> 00:59:29.750 As you wish. 00:59:39.880 --> 00:59:43.589 Still, the clever beasts weren't rushing into the trap. 00:59:44.280 --> 00:59:47.591 Where's Bayonet? Bet he scarfed it all down himself. 01:00:00.320 --> 01:00:03.153 You're hopeless, Reefer. Always starving. 01:00:06.160 --> 01:00:08.913 Only in the wind can you truly breathe. 01:00:16.600 --> 01:00:20.355 The day flew by unnoticed. We had a little bite, 01:00:20.720 --> 01:00:23.792 eating the food Bayonet brought from the cemetery. 01:00:24.240 --> 01:00:26.675 Honestly, the army has its perks. 01:00:27.520 --> 01:00:30.672 No one really chases after soldiers. Makes relationships more sincere. 01:00:32.400 --> 01:00:34.437 And there's order too. 01:00:36.640 --> 01:00:39.154 The key in the army — don't miss your chance. 01:00:42.480 --> 01:00:43.800 I'm going to sleep. 01:00:46.760 --> 01:00:49.593 I dreamed about the Aliev brothers again. 01:00:57.600 --> 01:01:00.831 Later, frogmen. See you in hell. 01:01:02.320 --> 01:01:05.073 - Whoa, that was close. - Yeah, big time. 01:01:28.880 --> 01:01:31.156 Can't sleep, huh, soon-to-be-civilian? 01:01:35.680 --> 01:01:37.796 I'll have plenty of time to sleep in the afterlife. 01:01:38.320 --> 01:01:40.675 Just thinking about life. What it all means. 01:01:49.720 --> 01:01:51.119 Look at him pine. 01:01:51.560 --> 01:01:52.789 Who? 01:01:53.080 --> 01:01:54.559 The dark-skinned demob. 01:01:56.120 --> 01:01:58.873 Comrade quartermaster, what's a black demob? 01:02:01.720 --> 01:02:03.996 Ah! That's an old tale... 01:02:04.760 --> 01:02:09.436 There was this guy, about to demob, in an artillery unit near Kiev. 01:02:10.600 --> 01:02:14.912 He had just three days and nights left to serve. 01:02:16.160 --> 01:02:20.518 He was in love with a nurse named Olesya from a nearby village. 01:02:21.520 --> 01:02:23.716 They were planning to get married. 01:02:24.480 --> 01:02:27.836 But there was also a warrant officer in the unit... 01:02:28.360 --> 01:02:30.795 A real bastard. He had his eye on Olesya too. 01:02:31.480 --> 01:02:33.437 And one night... 01:02:39.320 --> 01:02:43.837 The poor guy was sent home in a coffin — his head sewn back onto his body. 01:02:44.360 --> 01:02:47.352 They wrote he died heroically — 01:02:47.720 --> 01:02:49.518 fell from a tree onto an axe. 01:02:50.200 --> 01:02:53.431 Two years passed, Olesya cried herself dry... 01:02:53.760 --> 01:02:56.673 ...and agreed to marry the warrant officer. The killer. 01:03:02.440 --> 01:03:04.636 Suddenly — a knock at the door. 01:03:04.920 --> 01:03:08.390 A hooded figure walks in holding a covered tray. 01:03:17.080 --> 01:03:19.196 "Who are you?!" — yells the warrant. 01:03:19.880 --> 01:03:22.394 The head on the tray opens its eyes and screams: 01:03:22.920 --> 01:03:26.117 "Fuck you! I'm the Black Demob!" 01:03:27.800 --> 01:03:30.155 The lights went out — and when they came back on... 01:03:30.600 --> 01:03:33.160 ...everyone in the house was dead. 01:03:34.400 --> 01:03:36.277 Since then... 01:03:36.720 --> 01:03:40.350 ...the Black Demob roams the earth looking for his bride. 01:03:40.960 --> 01:03:43.634 And his black soul still finds no peace. 01:03:45.840 --> 01:03:47.877 Yeah... heavy stuff. 01:03:49.280 --> 01:03:52.591 Army drama, man... Shakespeare, army-style. 01:03:53.600 --> 01:03:56.672 Same old story: life, tears, love... 01:03:57.120 --> 01:04:00.272 ...and everything goes by the book. God save us. 01:04:04.800 --> 01:04:06.438 Speaking of love... 01:04:06.800 --> 01:04:09.394 After the bayonet's grand return at the cemetery, 01:04:09.840 --> 01:04:13.037 the female half of the town — mainly the widows, of course — 01:04:13.720 --> 01:04:17.350 gathered at the library around Pyotr Alexeyevich's widow. 01:04:17.880 --> 01:04:20.952 No one knows what she was saying, but while talking... 01:04:21.400 --> 01:04:24.074 ...the pink-cheeked widow was laughing out loud 01:04:24.440 --> 01:04:27.353 and making wild gestures — like a fisherman bragging about a pike 01:04:27.720 --> 01:04:29.916 he supposedly caught last night. 01:04:34.040 --> 01:04:36.156 And then came Saturday... 01:04:37.480 --> 01:04:40.836 The air was thick with that creepy festive vibe. 01:06:01.600 --> 01:06:04.433 Oh god... who's the commander gonna torture now? 01:06:05.760 --> 01:06:07.194 I'll confess everything. 01:06:08.280 --> 01:06:11.432 Then he'll shoot you on the spot and write "sudden death by dysentery." 01:06:11.960 --> 01:06:14.474 Better we send you to rustle in the bushes like a wild boar. 01:06:16.000 --> 01:06:19.595 Is he gonna shoot at me? 01:06:20.600 --> 01:06:21.829 Of course! 01:06:22.200 --> 01:06:26.080 Sometimes he misses, but not often. 01:06:26.600 --> 01:06:27.999 Brilliant idea. 01:06:29.640 --> 01:06:31.836 I don't like this... 01:06:32.280 --> 01:06:34.954 Witnesses usually get killed. 01:06:35.240 --> 01:06:37.914 Maybe I'll go to the farm and try to grab another pig? 01:06:38.200 --> 01:06:40.476 No use. They won't give it to you. 01:06:41.080 --> 01:06:44.755 The supply guy there's a naturist. Nickname: "Führer." From Kharkiv. 01:07:02.840 --> 01:07:05.116 Talalayev and his friends showed up at sunset. 01:07:37.080 --> 01:07:41.074 After a quick tea break, the generals switched to beer. 01:07:42.080 --> 01:07:45.710 Then came the port, and of course, vodka joined the party. 01:07:54.960 --> 01:07:56.598 Release the boar. 01:08:01.360 --> 01:08:03.556 Farewell, Bomb. 01:08:14.600 --> 01:08:15.670 Goodbye... 01:08:36.320 --> 01:08:38.516 I think the fat rookie's dead. 01:08:40.880 --> 01:08:43.759 But then we heard grunting again. 01:09:10.160 --> 01:09:11.878 Tough bastard, that boar. 01:09:20.840 --> 01:09:25.198 Meanwhile, Bayonet was entertaining widow number four... and five. 01:09:25.800 --> 01:09:29.509 They adored his gentle touch. 01:09:30.040 --> 01:09:33.271 Plus, unlike the local men, he had one big advantage — 01:09:33.720 --> 01:09:37.600 he didn't try to smack them on the back mid-orgasm. 01:09:37.960 --> 01:09:41.510 Though it did puzzle him that some "dearly departed" had two or more widows. 01:09:41.960 --> 01:09:44.998 Go figure. 01:10:05.880 --> 01:10:08.394 - The target's hit. - The boar's getting away. 01:10:11.480 --> 01:10:12.629 We need to finish it with a knife. 01:10:36.720 --> 01:10:38.597 We had to rescue Bomb. 01:10:40.320 --> 01:10:43.073 Comrade General, let me go catch the pig myself! 01:10:43.360 --> 01:10:46.591 - Worried about the rear admiral? - Yeah! Boars are dangerous. 01:10:47.040 --> 01:10:49.316 He might trample Semyonych without warning. 01:10:49.680 --> 01:10:52.115 I don't care about Semyonych. 01:10:53.800 --> 01:10:55.598 You've got your own general. 01:10:56.760 --> 01:10:58.319 He's bored stiff. 01:11:11.760 --> 01:11:14.752 So what are we betting in this game? 01:11:17.760 --> 01:11:18.989 Money. 01:11:19.960 --> 01:11:23.749 Money's boring. I'm ready to die like a real soldier. 01:11:26.120 --> 01:11:27.519 I'm ready to lose my head. 01:11:29.240 --> 01:11:31.709 That's exactly what I was going to suggest. 01:11:34.000 --> 01:11:36.992 Take the gun, put in one bullet, and hand it over. 01:11:51.160 --> 01:11:53.117 So, soldier... 01:11:53.480 --> 01:11:57.189 Have a drink — for courage. Enjoy your last moments. 01:12:25.440 --> 01:12:26.919 Golden eagle... 01:12:28.400 --> 01:12:30.994 I could turn my back on you in a bathhouse. 01:12:34.320 --> 01:12:35.469 Again? 01:12:36.000 --> 01:12:37.229 What a load of crap. 01:12:37.840 --> 01:12:41.071 Lucky for me, I never loaded the gun. 01:12:42.280 --> 01:12:44.954 Considering what I'd heard about the general's temper... 01:12:45.320 --> 01:12:47.834 ...I figured better safe than sorry. 01:13:09.920 --> 01:13:11.718 Still sitting here, soldier? 01:13:13.680 --> 01:13:14.954 I'm watching the UFO. 01:13:15.200 --> 01:13:16.838 What UFO? 01:13:17.360 --> 01:13:19.954 Totally normal one — earth-made, emerald green. 01:13:21.280 --> 01:13:22.918 It shows up here all the time. 01:13:23.920 --> 01:13:25.399 Good to know. 01:13:26.160 --> 01:13:27.309 Why green? 01:13:30.600 --> 01:13:33.114 A real UFO is always red. 01:13:34.040 --> 01:13:37.749 The red ones are from Mars. The green ones — from Venus. 01:13:40.760 --> 01:13:44.151 Red ones aren't even from our galaxy. 01:13:47.640 --> 01:13:52.077 Yeah, figures — they don't land like we do. 01:13:54.120 --> 01:13:57.715 True that. They're way out there. 01:14:02.840 --> 01:14:06.754 Sometimes they've got one head. Sometimes two. 01:14:08.000 --> 01:14:11.470 Creepy. I don't trust those things. 01:14:13.920 --> 01:14:17.959 They say some can zap into your brain with rays or something. 01:14:21.920 --> 01:14:23.638 Give me that. 01:14:29.120 --> 01:14:31.396 Aviation-grade. No sediment. 01:14:31.840 --> 01:14:33.592 The best stuff should go to kids. 01:14:33.960 --> 01:14:35.519 To American kids! 01:14:35.800 --> 01:14:38.394 Comrade Lieutenant General, I've been meaning to ask... 01:14:39.720 --> 01:14:41.119 What do you think about the yeti? 01:14:41.480 --> 01:14:43.596 Yeti? You gotta wash those often. 01:14:44.920 --> 01:14:46.797 No, I mean the abominable snowman. 01:14:52.120 --> 01:14:57.115 Then go ask the rear admiral. He once saw Atlantis. 01:14:57.800 --> 01:15:00.189 But the rear admiral wasn't thinking about Atlantis. 01:15:00.960 --> 01:15:03.554 He was thrashing through the bushes, desperately trying to catch 01:15:03.840 --> 01:15:06.593 that slippery little piglet. 01:15:06.840 --> 01:15:08.911 The actor-pig — a.k.a. Bomb — and now it was clear why — 01:15:09.400 --> 01:15:11.550 just wouldn't let himself get caught. 01:16:17.760 --> 01:16:19.080 Commodore? 01:16:20.480 --> 01:16:22.756 Not me. I'm just the watchman. 01:16:23.440 --> 01:16:26.751 Get ready to leave, kids. The cemetery's opening. 01:16:27.200 --> 01:16:30.511 Mourners are coming. They won't be happy to see you. 01:16:57.280 --> 01:17:00.830 Talalayev, shut down your experiments. 01:17:08.960 --> 01:17:11.474 Turns out the piglet's a mutant. 01:17:12.000 --> 01:17:15.231 Gave me a black eye and stole my dagger. 01:17:16.720 --> 01:17:18.199 We'll make a note of that. 01:17:22.840 --> 01:17:26.470 Well, that was fun. Let's go, guys. 01:17:34.840 --> 01:17:36.069 Good soldier. 01:17:37.720 --> 01:17:40.234 You entertained me. Now, you understand — there's no retreat. 01:17:40.680 --> 01:17:42.239 Moscow's behind us. 01:17:42.920 --> 01:17:43.990 Got it. 01:18:21.560 --> 01:18:24.473 - So, how you doing? - Could be better. 01:18:31.480 --> 01:18:35.030 We hugged and just stood there, staring off at the horizon, 01:18:35.480 --> 01:18:37.710 where our glorious future awaited us. 01:18:38.640 --> 01:18:41.632 A few days later, we took the military oath. 01:18:41.920 --> 01:18:44.753 They gave me a sheet with the text. I stood at the line. 01:18:45.120 --> 01:18:47.157 And then suddenly, Talalayev appeared. 01:18:47.920 --> 01:18:54.155 "Soldiers! You know what I'm gonna say. And I know what you'll answer." 01:18:56.920 --> 01:18:59.355 "In short — serve!" 01:19:39.080 --> 01:19:41.356 Talalayev handed out submachine guns. 01:19:42.360 --> 01:19:46.558 To those who didn't get one, he gave shovels. 01:19:58.200 --> 01:19:59.838 Read it, Golden Eagle. 01:20:02.680 --> 01:20:04.956 I, Gennady Romanovich Bobkov, 01:20:05.320 --> 01:20:08.950 solemnly swear allegiance to my Motherland — the Russian Federation. 01:20:10.040 --> 01:20:12.634 What is life? A game. 01:20:13.560 --> 01:20:16.074 And the real game starts when your health — 01:20:16.520 --> 01:20:18.875 or even better, your life — is on the line. 01:20:19.320 --> 01:20:23.871 No one lays out more cards than the army. It's the only place that unlocks your true reserves. 01:20:25.360 --> 01:20:28.193 It turns stale dreamers into conquerors of star meridians — 01:20:28.640 --> 01:20:31.632 and other galactic commodities. 01:20:32.920 --> 01:20:36.231 Take me, for instance. What was I before — and what am I now? 01:20:36.840 --> 01:20:38.956 To put it lightly... I became everything. 01:20:39.240 --> 01:20:42.517 Why? Because I'm a Russian soldier. 01:20:44.720 --> 01:20:46.597 And a Russian soldier never gives up. 01:20:46.880 --> 01:20:48.598 He's got nothing to lose anyway. 01:20:48.880 --> 01:20:51.793 That, my friends, is our biggest military secret.